Love Life and Lessons

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A Whole New Life


Life seems out of this world when you are 21. You have the ability to drink, gamble, and a basic sense of being an adult. Most people cannot wait to be 21 and enjoy that year of freedom before graduating college and working a lifelong job. No one expects at that age to create a whole new life and figure out themselves versus the carefree stereotype put on the age of 21. I have always had my life planned out. I wanted to marry young and have the fairly tale life little kids dream of. I had this exact life going for me. My parents loved me unconditionally, I had amazing grades, I was very athletic, and I always seemed to get the men. One day I found that Prince Charming, the missing link needed to finish my fairy tale. However, right before turning 21 God took him from my grip. My life I had planned, the perfect life I had lived up until that moment seemed to vanish. Grappling with the thoughts of my life being swept away in a second was unbearable. Over the year of being 21, instead of partying and drinking, I taught myself who I was, how to live life again, and that the idea of a new future is forming itself. I now value and enjoy every moment I have in life. I am still who I always was, but I am now aware of who that person was and use that to live and love my life. I feel lost in the dating world since it has been so long, but I have put myself out there. However, with my situation, I feel like some men look at me differently and avoid dating. Let me tell you, I am no different than before except for a scar, which does not define who I am. My new life is not so new to people around me, but to myself it is a whole new dimension. I have had to learn how to deal with the questions, hurt, betrayal, and opinions that came with my situation. I have had to relearn how to be independent and how to let go of the past in order to have a future again. To myself my new life reveals a stronger, more compassionate woman ready to take on life’s highs and lows and venture into a wonderful future. To end this, I will use one of my favorite quotes, “not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.”


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Know Yourself First


Today I stand here as a survivor of hell. I had battled the darkest situations and have been stabbed in the heart over and over by the unspeakable. I am living proof that surviving darkness makes you stronger. I never knew who I was my entire life, because I always relied on a guy to complete me. I have had a boyfriend since 6th grade and it seemed so easy to get men. I thought in life my main job was to fall in love. I tried over and over until I finally found my soul mate who was ripped from my hands one dark horrifying night. After this happened, I felt lost, thought life was all a dream. Being 21 and losing someone your age brings so many things to mind that are hard to deal with. I have realized that all my life my identity has been me and a guy. I never knew what made me happy besides a man. Well, over the past ten months, I have grown, and have met myself. I have learned I love music and dancing, and of course writing. I may not have amazing grammar or spell correctly, but writing allows me to get my feels out and help show other people either they aren’t alone or one day they will break from hell. The saying love yourself before you love another is something one should live by. I loved another and couldn’t love myself because I didn’t know who I was. Without knowing or loving myself and then having my love taken from me left me completely alone and lost in this crazy yet beautiful world. Now I have learned my passions in life and can stick up for myself rather than let people walk all over me. I have learned what I want in life. I have always been a bright student, but never knew what my “dream job” was until a few months ago. It is a blessing to finally know myself and I encourage everyone out there to make sure they know who they are before getting to know someone else just as much as you know yourself. If not, it could bite you in the butt later. Please learn about yourself because I personally know what it is to be left in the dust without even myself to rely on.

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What to Say is Always Hard


Everyone has their own story and triumphs they have faced or are facing. Some people may be paralyzed where as others may have no family. Life is not easy by any means and comes with may trials. Today I found out a wonderful man of 23 years old, who I have know my whole life, has officially been told his cancer has overtaken to much. He is currently living each day with pain meds to keep him comfortable. I sat here for awhile trying to figure out how to comprehend this. What do you say to someone who just found out they cannot escape death and are bound to die from this seemly incur arable decease that takes so many lives? I could not say much but ramble and tell him that I wish I could have the cure. I told him that I will take him where ever he wants to go or bring him what ever he wants to make him feel special with the time he has left. That is about all you really can do.

It is hard to sit down and comprehend that ones life can change so quickly. This young man was doing great and beating his cancer, and then all of a sudden it took a turn for the worst. When you sit back and think, no one can escape death it just comes at different ages for all of us and through different ways. I recently was in a position where people had no idea what to say to me. I could tell that people were drawn back by my situation and were scared to say anything to possibly hurt me. Tough times are when we need people to just be there, comfort us, and give us all the love they have. I have lost six people within the past year and each has affected me in a different way and taught me something different. I lost the love of my life ten months ago. This turned my life upside down and made me feel like someone just sat there and threw rocks at me. It took me eight months to be able to understand what happened and deal with it and the two months after that I learned how to be happy again. There is never a right or wrong thing to say to someone who is grieving or ill, the best thing anyone can give is friendship and love. I know when I went through my hardship, a lot of people I wished would have been there drifted away.

Life is a big battle and daily someone in the world is getting ill or losing a loved one. I battle every day with coping with what I have gone through. I have dealt with friends committing suicide to family member murders to even my own boyfriend passing away. I am only 21 and have gone through more than a lot of fifty year olds have gone through. There is one thing I can say, all of this has made me a stronger, more loving, confident and determined young woman. Life is not going to get the best of me, I am going to get the best of it. With all that being said,  I love my friend to death and want him to be cured, but since this does not seem possible, the best is to simply help him be happy till the end. Make sure that if you do not know what to say to someone struggling do not just walk away. Walking away is worse than saying something upsetting. Show them they are cared for and thought of often.

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Grief comes and goes

Tragedy strikes
Your heart starts racing
You cannot breath
You fall straight to the ground

The day comes
Where there are no more goodbyes
But a lot of see you laters
And it will soon get betters

In the midst of tragedy
Everything seems so still
Life seems to go on
But your mind is halted

A few months pass
Everyone now knows
Yet for some reason
They cannot comprehend

Grief is unique
One may weep
As others may drink
No one can understand another fully

People ask many questions
Like shouldn’t you be moving on
When are you going to date again
What are you dreaming of

All of these seem so pointless
When you lose an important person
Life seems like it shouldn’t move on
And dating seems out of question

Each sign and landmark
Catch you by surprise
Each day is unknown
It could be happy or sad

Things that did not bug you before
Seem to upset you
People grow far apart
Due to lack of knowledge

Grief is a strong force
Pulls families and friends apart
And pulls together true love
You find your best friends

Eventually grief subsides
But will never go away
The year marks
Will always bring it back in a way

I lost my love
But have experienced grief
I have conquered part of grief
And all of its querks


Life is a Blooming Flower not A Rollercoaster

People always talk about how life is a rollercoaster ride, which surely it can seem like it, but life is not always on a vicious run like rollercoasters are the whole ride. I like to think of life as more of a blooming flower. I recently planted my first garden and have watched the flowers slowly grow until a drought comes or I forget to water them. Then the flowers start to wilt and eventually when the sun is shining and water is given to them, the flowers start to grow and look beautiful again. This process continues over the entire summer where the flowers continue to grow new healthy flowers and shed their dead ones. This process is very similar to an individual’s life. As a child growth is slow and typically everything seems so beautiful and harmless. Once the first tragedy and failure occurs, the child’s life or possibly adults, depending on when these failures occur, life seems to take a turn backwards, just as flowers do when not fed. Once these failures and tragedies are dealt with, life works towards being beautiful again, as the flower did after being fed. Life is full of tragedies as I have learned, but they are not constant. Once you learn to overcome, face and deal with your life issue, life can take a turn back towards the sunny side and shed those tragic dead flowers. Then once you are on the sunny side, another tragedy will hit you in the midst of a perfect life. Like the seemly dead flower, life can seem hopeless and dark, but once a peak of that bright side shines through, you can see something beautiful within your life, just as when a plant grows new flowers. Life may not be perfect, but there are wonderful situations and beautiful places that are ready for a beautiful flower to explore.